Deacon San M Nguyen
LTS:
Sau khi cho phổ biến bài viết “Niềm ăn năn sám hối những lỗi lầm đối với người mình thương yêu nhất.” của Pt. Nguyễn Mạnh San trên trang MÁI ẤM Nazareth, đã có một số độc giả tại Hoa Kỳ và ở các quốc gia khác đọc, và cho biết nội dung của câu chuyện này rất thực tế và hữu ích. Họ đã đề nghị nên dịch ra Anh Ngữ đề tài này, để cho những cặp vợ chồng trẻ không rành tiếng Việt hay con cái của họ không đọc được tiếng Việt, hầu tạo được sự tương quan với nhau tốt đẹp hơn và dễ thông cảm nhau hơn.
Theo Pt. Nguyễn Mạnh San, nếu tác giả không được tiếp chuyện trực tiếp với Thiên Chúa trong giấc mơ sau khi người vợ qua đời, thì không thể viết được đề tài này. Những điều mà tác giả chưa bao giờ nghĩ tới, vì cứ tưởng mình là người chồng tốt lành, chỉ biết nhiệt thành làm việc từ thiện để phục vụ tha nhân, và là người Bố gương mẫu đối với các con. Nhưng bây giờ tác giả đã hiểu thêm ý nghĩa sâu xa câu nói: “Của cho không bằng cách cho.”
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Although I am in my 80s, I still remember my childhood teacher who taught me the subject of “how to be a good citizen” in my hometown in the Republic of Vietnam prior to 1975.
The teacher said that the most precious thing about human life on this earth is not money or fame as many people think, but a person who amends his mistakes, intentional or not, with others.
No one can forget the statement “No one is perfect” that has been handed down from our forfathers for generation after generation. Unfortunately, many people have abused this statement so that any time they do or say something wrong, they use this statement to defend themselves. It is now an ordinary thing and as a result, there is no need to apologize to anyone any more.
Therefore, my teacher affirmed the closing words of the lesson on how to be a good citizen: if anyone does not know how to repent of his or her sins, and amend his mistakes, he is not worthy to live in this world. If you continue to live by this philosophy, you will continue to cause suffering to others, especially your most dear family members.
When people rely on the saying “No one is perfect,” we self-justify our wrong actions or words that have hurt other people. For example, married couples often times disagree with each other. Especially, after many years together, they started using rude and insensitive words, making their minor disagreement become more and more serious, which eventually could lead to physical violence and potential separation/divorce.
Instead, people should learn to apologize to each other, not once but many times as soon as they hurt the other party so they can reconcile and live a happy life together.
Although I am in my 80s, I thank God that I had a healthy body and mind to take care of my wife while she was bed-ridden during her final 2-years. However, my most regretful thing was that sometimes when I was too tired, I unintentionally had a bad attitude and said said some things that I wish I could take back.
For example, my wife had a habit of drinking coffee every morning. A nurse would come three days per week to check my wife’s health and pass this information to her doctor. Before getting down to business, the nurse would ask whether my wife wanted a cup of coffee. My wife thanked her and replied that she preferred me, her husband, make the coffee instead. My wife would reply the same when our daughter asked the same question.
I was very angry because my wife insisted on me making her coffee as if I were her servant. It felt like torture staying up late the night before taking care my wife and then making coffee early in the morning. It would be helpful if I could rest a little longer the next day while other people could help my wife. Thus, I screamed at her: I’m not your servant. Why must I do everything? My wife immediately replied: Oh, we’ve been married for more than 54 years, how could I consider you an employee? Then, she continued jokingly: Maybe, you just paid your debt from our previous life by taking care of me during my sickness in this life. Her statement made me angrier as if she confirmed my thought: my wife deliberately wanted to torture me by insisting that I make her coffee instead of letting the nurse and our daughter do so. A few weeks later, I slowly realized that my wife just wanted me to show my love for her despite her illness. Instead of apologizing to her, I used the concept “no one is perfect.” So, I am imperfect and made mistakes like everyone else. Why should I apologize to her?
Not until my wife was slipping away did I start apologizing for all the things that I should have said and done throughout the years. Although she could not see or answer me, she was in tears. I can only hope that they were tears of forgiveness, but I could never know for sure. That made me sad to this day: I could not say all my apologies to the love of my life, my wife, and to hear her forgiveness before her dying moment.
I had a dream a week after my wife’s burial. In my dream, God told me that He had told my wife what I had wanted to tell her and asked for her forgiveness. My wife told God that she loves me very much and appreciates all that I have done for her and our children. Thus, she had forgiven me. So don’t worry and try to live a happy life.
However, if I want my children and grandchildren to love me more, and if I want to my friendships to last forever, then I must change my current lifestyle. I immediately asked God to guide me how to do this.
First, I need to change my attitude towards my children and grandchildren by not treating them as a master treats his pupils with strict rules and regulations and harsh words, but with love and respect as I show to my friends and colleagues. My children and grandchildren are adults who have grown up in the U.S., not in Vietnam where fathers behave as dictators.
Secondly, with respect to friends, I need to be careful with my words and attitude because they could be very hurtful and eventually could lead to misunderstanding and loss of friendship.
I thanked God and promised to carry out His guidance. A week later, I had the opportunity to do the first thing the Lord taught me. When one of my four children told me that, “if Mom had come to California sooner, she wouldn’t have died, because there are more talented medical doctors here than there are in Oklahoma.”
Instead of loudly scolding him for saying such nonsense, I softly said to him: My son, life and death are in God’s hands. He could raise the dead to live, make the blind see, the deaf hear, etc. Yes, you are right, there are more good doctors in CA than in OK due to the much larger population. We did the best we could. Now, we need to learn to accept God’s decision when He called Mom to come live with Him.
As soon as my son heard my tender explanation, for the first time in his life, he immediately came over and hugged me tightly. We reconciled.
Then, when he shared these stories with a close friend, he also confirmed with me that what God said was very true. There have been a few times when I spoke to my friend like a master teaching to his pupils. However, my friend did not dare to tell me for fear of losing our friendship. Having a close friend who understood and shared my thoughts and feelings is like finding a needle in a haystack, a very rare and fortunate event, especially, if they were our spouse, our closest friend. Thus, we need to listen and be careful of our words and actions so we don’t unintentionally hurt others.
In summary, I thought that I was perfect by devoting my life to my wife, children, grandchildren and selflessly serve charity and church. However, my wife’s passing has taught me that using the sentence “No One Is Perfect” as an excuse not to apologize to loved ones is an inexcusable behavior that has caused many heartaches that could lead to loss of family, friends and loved ones. I thank God to help me realize my mistakes and guide me to reconcile with my children, friends and loved ones. Admitting one’s weakness is the first step of reconciliation. It is never too late to apologize. I hope that by sharing my story with you that you can find way to amend with your loved ones and live a fulfilled life before you are on your deathbed: when the Lord calls you, there is no more time on earth to reconcile.
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